I have been struggling to publish this post for a while now as it is the hardest and most painful situation I am in at the moment. I grew up in a church and was taught that God keeps record of everything good and bad I have ever done and I should be careful because one mistake could bring consequences that I never imagined.
I stayed away from God because I viewed Him as mean but still yearned love and approval that would quench the thirst in my heart. I made some mistakes along the way and with it came consequences and I beg God to forgive me and take the punishment away from me. It wasn’t until when I truly met Christ five years ago and knew the love He has for me did I realise His plans for me are not for evil even though some mistakes had great consequences
I prayed for a loving home where I could be my true self, be loved, grow and have great friends, He gave me and exceeded my expectation. They became family and my home was blessed and I felt blessed truly until I found myself in a mistake I didn’t create.
I prayed that God should intervene and help me in this mess; but the mess became messier, still I believed and prayed for a miracle and never doubted His abilities. I appeared in court several times about the case still hoping nothing was impossible and I would get a sun stand still miracle.
Things went from bad to worse, in two weeks I lost my job and was asked to leave my education because of this particular situation knowing fully well I was almost at the finish line; too close but yet far away from reach. I cried and I prayed; I poured out my frustration– I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t do anything wrong and now my life was turned upside down. In it I hoped, prayed, believed, fasted & trusted. I did every single thing right even when I was given a non-biblical way out of the situation; I held up my hope and faith that God can do a miracle in this, He could turn this mess into a message for people to see how amazing He is. Even though I was heartbroken and grieved for my loss I still held out my faith & hope asking Him to intervene
A few weeks to Christmas, I received my answer and He gave me a NO! I did everything right possible and He still gave me a no. I wasn’t sure what happened next but no tear fell from my eyes but my heart was in pieces. As I packed my things I cried; my heart felt like it had been stabbed multiple times with an unbearable pain. What do you do when you pray for a sun stand still miracle but you watch the sun go down on your very prayers? Even my tears couldn’t console me!
I couldn’t believe in three weeks I would leave my home. I would leave the place and the people that I loved so much the very people who have made me the woman I am today, the loving family I’d prayed for and gotten; deep down I hoped that there would be a change in the answer to be a Yes. The day came and I cried when I parted my family, I cried on the journey to Exile. I couldn’t voice how I felt because my pain cannot be explained.
A lot of people have talked at me not to me about this situation, telling me to be strong. I don’t want to be strong, I have been acting strong and it hasn’t taken me to where I want to be. I sat down and asked myself ‘where do I go from here?’ I have lost everything I loved and desired but I am grateful I am still alive. Where there’s life there is hope. God is still good and faithful. I am taking one day at a time with my tears. This blog might not be consistent every week but from time to time, I will be sharing my recovery process and lessons along the way.