Before the start of a new year I like to set goals and aspirations for the coming year; some years I accomplish every goal set and other years when I don’t I move the unaccomplished one forward to change it. I had goals in mind to achieve this year but entering the New Year I couldn’t seem to put them down because of the pain I knew 2017 was bringing.

I had already lost a lot entering the new year and although I have heard people say suck it up, move on with my life and that everything happens for a reason which I may never understand but that doesn’t diminish the pain I experience every day or when I run into someone and I get asked ‘Why are you here?’.

There have been times I have sat to think about what I want from this year but it has been hard coming up with something because of pain. I have soon realised that pain in the indicator that brokenness exist. It has also been a gift that is motivating me to fight with brave tenacity and determination knowing that there is healing on the other side.

On June 24th 2016, I woke up to the news that Britain was leaving the EU. My heart broke for the country I loved so much. This Wednesday I got up to the news that Donald Trump has been elected for President, my heart broke for the division we have find ourselves in yet again. Now I am not saying he shouldn’t have won, I am just shocked by the results of what is happening in our world.

Two great elections and a result that stirred FEAR & DIVISION not only in me but the world as a whole. It is time for a wake up call WORLD! It just seems like we are going in circles and now the storm has finally hit and the results cannot be changed; so what can we do? Be the CHANGE.

My mother has six siblings and they fought all the time! My brother and I witnessed some of the division they had back then. So when my brother and I fought (which we did growing up), my mother would call us each time and say these words “You two have each other there is no point in fighting, you are better together”. I never understood those words until recently which brings me to my lesson

November has always been a thanksgiving month especially for our American family. A few weeks ago, I had something planned out to write about the list of things I was thankful for but on the first of November, I woke up with a not-so-thankful heart.

Everyday before I go to bed, I have a tradition of writing what I am thankful for that day. Well Friday came and I was struggling to write something I was grateful for. You see I had a meeting that day that left me crying till midnight. The words “I’m so sorry Esther, there’s nothing we can do to help you” kept playing over and over in my head.

I sat on my bed thinking to myself ‘what am I to be thankful for?’ I prayed so hard for this dream, I fought so hard and finally was given the opportunity only for me to watch it die a couple of months later; I walked away that day more broken than I came with a wound so deep I can’t even talk about because it hurt even thinking about it: I had no fight left in me.

I love watching the sunset, going for walks exploring the woods come rain or sunshine. I have been blessed to live in a place surrounded by nature places and in those walks I meet and discover the beauty of God all over again.

I found myself in a messy situation that I didn’t create. All sort of questions were running through my mind. In those nights, I cried myself to sleep praying, worshipping and asking God to come through for me. Sometimes I believe He listens to me other times I feel like my prayers reaches the ceiling and bounds back down.

I decided to go for a walk to listen to nature talk to me and remind myself that God has got this; after my walk I didn’t feel like I had God with me. I sent a few messages to my friends to join me in prayers concerning this situation. One particular reply reminded me of the faithfulness of God.

My week started like every other week; I speak positive things to myself and also in my week. I had a lecture on Monday that left me feeling not very confident: I ended up speaking to a friend who encouraged me to keep my focus and everything will work out fine. I got a text from my mum asking me to find a document that she needed which was in my possession.

That night, I started going through all my documents and I came across one quote I had written on a piece of paper

When you reach a point where you think there’s no way, there in lies the way.

I stopped and tried to remember what season I was in at that time 5 years when I wrote it. I had just had a terrible break up and at the same time, I had some family issues to deal with. I remembered that I found the way through God.

still looking for the document required by my mother when I came across one of my old journal from 3 years ago. I was having a browse through the book when I stumbled upon a quote that made me jump

Only when the way ahead seems impossible, then you have found it! That is God’s way- Oreoluwa Esther