This picture was taken on my exact birthday last year. I look at this girl and the girl writing this post and there have been so much tears, sadness, improvement and change that sometimes I stare at myself in the mirror and ask ‘Is that me?’ I am constantly amazed and surprised at the journey God has placed me on. If you ask me, has it been easy? Certainly not but right now I know it was worth the fight.
For sometime I hated myself, I couldn’t stand to look myself in the mirror because I believed every lie that I thought was true. I am still coming to terms with my past and the truth is I know hurt and pain like the back of my hand. The same hurt that left emotional welts in me came with healing. I have learnt that no matter how broken we seem to be, we are never too shattered to put peace back together.
For so long, I thought my worth in being good enough was buried in another human being. But little did I know that all the beautiful things I thought I could find in another man was just buried beneath the pains. It has taken me a while to find myself; to look into the mirror and fall in love with the broken pieces of my life. To see how beautiful and perfectly flawed God made me. I believe falling in love with myself was the bravest thing I have ever done because it shed some light onto those areas and wounds that needed to be healed.
There are some days that I struggle to find my beauty in a chaos of life. In those days, I look within and call those things that God has called me forth, and even though I don’t see it right away, I have found that it really helps to affirm God’s word within myself. Now I know that with or without a man, I know who I am and whose I am because in the same darkness, I found my light and I am thankful for the people who loved me enough to allow me heal.
In accepting me for who I am, I have learnt that healing doesn’t occur in the past but in the present. And for me to be truly open to give and receive love, I have to be vulnerable to people. One lesson in vulnerability is: you have to feel safe to be vulnerable and vulnerability makes me relatable to people. It has been a journey opening up about the struggles and I am thankful for the process.
Even in the learning to be vulnerable I know that people have different expectations of me due to several factors, and sometimes I fall into the trap of making other people’s opinions and expectations become my reality. I have learnt to constantly remind myself that I am human, I am allowed to change and make mistakes because it is from there that I can learn and grow.
I know God has placed me in a position to be His hands and feet to bless people, I don’t want to live a life where everyone benefits from my wisdom, talents, gifts and blessings expect me. I want to be the first recipient of the blessing God has for my life and then let the love overflow to everyone I come in contact with.
As I add a year to my age in a few days and continue this amazing journey God has placed me on, I vow to be committed to staying true to the woman God has called me to be. To learn from every mistake and season I find myself. To not wait for the world to give me permission to shine. I vow always put myself first and choose ME regardless, because it is best decision to make.
Here is to new lessons, new love and continual growth!
Queen Oreoluwa Esther