Dear You,

You are my lover, my best friend, my closest family. You are myself and of course, you are my everything! When everything fails and everyone leaves, you are all I have left in this world.

I have been watching you lately and it breaks my heart to see how much you have been struggling with work, family and your relationship with people including yourself. I know how hard it must feel to be in your shoes and I know you feel no one can be there for you when you need someone to talk to because you don’t trust anyone around you and that gives me so much pain; it is sad how often you given into worry and anxiety every single time.

But I just want to let you know that you will be okay!

I believe in you to make yourself feel better on your own. You have survived tragedy upon tragedy and you get by everyday. I know sometimes you feel like ending all your problems permanently because they seem to be taking up most of your life but you still choose to get up, live, push yourself and love yourself every single day; that is just to show how strong you are!

You are strong and with God, you will get through anything.

I know you often think no one will ever love you truthfully but I beg to disagree. Even in your present situation, you have lots of people adoring and loving you despite the distance; I know that you would rather be alone than having people around you because of the pain you are currently experiencing but never let it keep you from allowing love into your life.

Do not be scared to burn bridges. Do not be afraid of letting people go. As you have learnt in the past, God brings people in your life, some for a season, some permanently. Don’t hold on to people God is calling you to let go of. Not everyone you love actually deserves your love. Remember no matter what negative things they say about you, stand your ground and always think of your happiness first. You are allowed to give up on others but just never give up on yourself.

You are a woman of virtue, don’t settle for anyone who makes you question your morals, your values and your worth. You know your worth and what makes you genuinely happy. Don’t compromise your worth and happiness for anyone.

Before the start of a new year I like to set goals and aspirations for the coming year; some years I accomplish every goal set and other years when I don’t I move the unaccomplished one forward to change it. I had goals in mind to achieve this year but entering the New Year I couldn’t seem to put them down because of the pain I knew 2017 was bringing.

I had already lost a lot entering the new year and although I have heard people say suck it up, move on with my life and that everything happens for a reason which I may never understand but that doesn’t diminish the pain I experience every day or when I run into someone and I get asked ‘Why are you here?’.

There have been times I have sat to think about what I want from this year but it has been hard coming up with something because of pain. I have soon realised that pain in the indicator that brokenness exist. It has also been a gift that is motivating me to fight with brave tenacity and determination knowing that there is healing on the other side.

I have been struggling to publish this post for a while now as it is the hardest and most painful situation I am in at the moment. I grew up in a church and was taught that God keeps record of everything good and bad I have ever done and I should be careful because one mistake could bring consequences that I never imagined.

I stayed away from God because I viewed Him as mean but still yearned love and approval that would quench the thirst in my heart. I made some mistakes along the way and with it came consequences and I beg God to forgive me and take the punishment away from me. It wasn’t until when I truly met Christ five years ago and knew the love He has for me did I realise His plans for me are not for evil even though some mistakes had great consequences

I prayed for a loving home where I could be my true self, be loved, grow and have great friends, He gave me and exceeded my expectation. They became family and my home was blessed and I felt blessed truly until I found myself in a mistake I didn’t create.

I prayed that God should intervene and help me in this mess; but the mess became messier, still I believed and prayed for a miracle and never doubted His abilities. I appeared in court several times about the case still hoping nothing was impossible and I would get a sun stand still miracle.

So for a few days now I have been contemplating on taking a break from my writing because I have been trying to figure a few things out that I have been struggling with for sometime now.

I really do find it hard to fight this battle because I feel like every time I try, I sink further. I was asked this question a few days ago “What is the one subject you know about the most, the one you can talk about even in your sleep; the particular thing you know like the back of your hand?” I stopped for a minute to think really hard and the answer that popped out of my mouth sent me into tears. Brokenness  and Pain. I know them like the back of my hand.

Just when I feel like I have gotten my life back on track and I know where I want to be, the mess comes back harder knocking me off my feet. It is easy to deal with a mess you know you created but when you happen to find yourself in one that wasn’t created by you, you lose track of everything. I hurt! I hurt badly.

Sometimes I sleep peacefully, other times I beg sleep to come to me. This time, I lie awake waiting for my morning with tears streaming down my face; and the wetness of the pillow beneath my head. How many days have I been crying for?

I get up to look outside my window and it is dark. I try to watch the stars from my window but I cannot see any. How long will these seasons last for? I have been waiting and praying for my morning to come and every time it feels like the sky is getting darker by the day. I cannot even see a glimpse of dawn approaching.

I think my sun has refused to rise up! What do I need to do for my light to appear? I’m tired of crying, help me lord! Sometimes, I think I see the stars’ and there are times, like today, my clouds are just dark. I am tired of thinking about this situation. I constantly ask myself, why can’t my life be like the people around me. Oh! I have learnt that people show you their victories and not their struggles.