I have been thinking for sometime about my journey, my process and myself. When I look at my life and those that started with me, I can’t help but think that I am a little (or A LOT) behind them. I hate it when I run into an old college friend or a secondary school classmate messages me on Facebook or twitter talking about where they are and asking me what I am doing at the moment. I am sorry to say but I always lie. I just cannot bring myself to tell them I am not were I thought I should be or where they are right now.

This makes me think of how many years I have lost and realising I cannot get them back. Some days I am not bothered about the years as I tell myself ‘’it is not how far but how well.’’ For in those years, I didn’t even know who I was or what I wanted to do with my life: I made several mistakes in trying to find my purpose.

Sometimes I sleep peacefully, other times I beg sleep to come to me. This time, I lie awake waiting for my morning with tears streaming down my face; and the wetness of the pillow beneath my head. How many days have I been crying for?

I get up to look outside my window and it is dark. I try to watch the stars from my window but I cannot see any. How long will these seasons last for? I have been waiting and praying for my morning to come and every time it feels like the sky is getting darker by the day. I cannot even see a glimpse of dawn approaching.

I think my sun has refused to rise up! What do I need to do for my light to appear? I’m tired of crying, help me lord! Sometimes, I think I see the stars’ and there are times, like today, my clouds are just dark. I am tired of thinking about this situation. I constantly ask myself, why can’t my life be like the people around me. Oh! I have learnt that people show you their victories and not their struggles.

As a little girl, I was always taught the importance of sowing and reaping both at church and school. I knew that if I wanted good fruits to germinate, I had to sow good seeds, which as a good girl I did. But along the way, life’s curve balls were thrown and several mistakes I made fooled me in to believing I lost my chance.

For the life of me I wanted to make my family and friends proud, but how could I? With all these mistakes and pain, I felt that there was no proof of the seeds I had planted before.

I cried so hard and then I remembered the story of the loving God a friend told me about. I called on Him and said I had nothing left to sow but my broken heart and tears. He told me that was more than enough. I sowed it and continued to wait.

It has been a while since I left. No calls or texts from you. Sometimes, I feel like picking up the phone just to hear the sound of your voice and sometimes I feel like you don’t care about me anymore. But deep down, I know, leaving was for the best.

Sometimes, I imagine how life would have been like having you here with me. We would have lots of laughter and tears. I am sure you’d be there to hold my hand every time I faced difficulty and you’d assure me that this will pass. You’d tell me that you will always be by my side and never let go of me. My face would resemble every other girl’s face when you would hold my hands and look through my eyes to see the depths of my soul. You would say that you will always love me.

I imagined having you by my side, to hold and cry with me even when you didn’t know what was wrong. But just having you there as a companion and a shoulder to cry on any time I needed it, would be the love and support I needed to get back on my feet.

You know I had so much great stuff planned for this year, but it has just been few months into the New Year and life’s curveballs have been thrown to me. Sometimes I feel I am strong enough to pass this, other times I don’t think I can make it out alive.

I try to keep calm and say positive words but then again, I am not seeing the words come alive when I really need them to. I am trying so darn hard to stay and be strong for not just myself but for everyone else. Maybe that’s the problem! Honestly, I am tired of being so strong. I need someone stronger than I am to carry me and the weight of this situation away.

I know of one who carries the burden of man and He definitely can handle this one. The only problem is that He is silent. Sometimes I think He isn’t hearing my voice when I pray, sometimes I think He isn’t watching and seeing the tears that fall from my eyes when I desperately need Him to come through for me. Other times I doubt that He exists! Wait a second, I know He exists because I have heard Him speak to me but why is He not talking now?