November has always been a thanksgiving month especially for our American family. A few weeks ago, I had something planned out to write about the list of things I was thankful for but on the first of November, I woke up with a not-so-thankful heart.

Everyday before I go to bed, I have a tradition of writing what I am thankful for that day. Well Friday came and I was struggling to write something I was grateful for. You see I had a meeting that day that left me crying till midnight. The words “I’m so sorry Esther, there’s nothing we can do to help you” kept playing over and over in my head.

I sat on my bed thinking to myself ‘what am I to be thankful for?’ I prayed so hard for this dream, I fought so hard and finally was given the opportunity only for me to watch it die a couple of months later; I walked away that day more broken than I came with a wound so deep I can’t even talk about because it hurt even thinking about it: I had no fight left in me.

So for a few days now I have been contemplating on taking a break from my writing because I have been trying to figure a few things out that I have been struggling with for sometime now.

I really do find it hard to fight this battle because I feel like every time I try, I sink further. I was asked this question a few days ago “What is the one subject you know about the most, the one you can talk about even in your sleep; the particular thing you know like the back of your hand?” I stopped for a minute to think really hard and the answer that popped out of my mouth sent me into tears. Brokenness  and Pain. I know them like the back of my hand.

Just when I feel like I have gotten my life back on track and I know where I want to be, the mess comes back harder knocking me off my feet. It is easy to deal with a mess you know you created but when you happen to find yourself in one that wasn’t created by you, you lose track of everything. I hurt! I hurt badly.

I love watching the sunset, going for walks exploring the woods come rain or sunshine. I have been blessed to live in a place surrounded by nature places and in those walks I meet and discover the beauty of God all over again.

I found myself in a messy situation that I didn’t create. All sort of questions were running through my mind. In those nights, I cried myself to sleep praying, worshipping and asking God to come through for me. Sometimes I believe He listens to me other times I feel like my prayers reaches the ceiling and bounds back down.

I decided to go for a walk to listen to nature talk to me and remind myself that God has got this; after my walk I didn’t feel like I had God with me. I sent a few messages to my friends to join me in prayers concerning this situation. One particular reply reminded me of the faithfulness of God.

My week started like every other week; I speak positive things to myself and also in my week. I had a lecture on Monday that left me feeling not very confident: I ended up speaking to a friend who encouraged me to keep my focus and everything will work out fine. I got a text from my mum asking me to find a document that she needed which was in my possession.

That night, I started going through all my documents and I came across one quote I had written on a piece of paper

When you reach a point where you think there’s no way, there in lies the way.

I stopped and tried to remember what season I was in at that time 5 years when I wrote it. I had just had a terrible break up and at the same time, I had some family issues to deal with. I remembered that I found the way through God.

still looking for the document required by my mother when I came across one of my old journal from 3 years ago. I was having a browse through the book when I stumbled upon a quote that made me jump

Only when the way ahead seems impossible, then you have found it! That is God’s way- Oreoluwa Esther

I have been thinking for sometime about my journey, my process and myself. When I look at my life and those that started with me, I can’t help but think that I am a little (or A LOT) behind them. I hate it when I run into an old college friend or a secondary school classmate messages me on Facebook or twitter talking about where they are and asking me what I am doing at the moment. I am sorry to say but I always lie. I just cannot bring myself to tell them I am not were I thought I should be or where they are right now.

This makes me think of how many years I have lost and realising I cannot get them back. Some days I am not bothered about the years as I tell myself ‘’it is not how far but how well.’’ For in those years, I didn’t even know who I was or what I wanted to do with my life: I made several mistakes in trying to find my purpose.