You know I had so much great stuff planned for this year, but it has just been few months into the New Year and life’s curveballs have been thrown to me. Sometimes I feel I am strong enough to pass this, other times I don’t think I can make it out alive.

I try to keep calm and say positive words but then again, I am not seeing the words come alive when I really need them to. I am trying so darn hard to stay and be strong for not just myself but for everyone else. Maybe that’s the problem! Honestly, I am tired of being so strong. I need someone stronger than I am to carry me and the weight of this situation away.

I know of one who carries the burden of man and He definitely can handle this one. The only problem is that He is silent. Sometimes I think He isn’t hearing my voice when I pray, sometimes I think He isn’t watching and seeing the tears that fall from my eyes when I desperately need Him to come through for me. Other times I doubt that He exists! Wait a second, I know He exists because I have heard Him speak to me but why is He not talking now?

I decided to take a walk at my local park, to talk and ask Him to come through for me in this situation, to give me a sign that He hears my cries and longing that I will not be put to shame. But I left the park more broken than I came because I heard no words.

Why are you so silent to me? Why are you so far away from me? Why have you forsaken me? I use to feel your presence in my own room but now I feel rejection in the same room. Sometimes I manage to get the words out and pray but in times like this, I just stare at my bible and computer lost for words and with heaviness in my heart.

Why are you so silent? I have been waiting on you to show up but you haven’t. I have no other person to trust but you. You are my only hope and sometimes I feel time is running out. Would you please come to my aid? Without you, I am not in this world. I know you haven’t given up on me but I am stretched too thin. Will you carry me please and let me know that this is not the end?

I planned my life and my dreams but everything seems to be going in reverse. Just let me know that You have still got my back. I am holding on to your promise that you’ll never leave me nor forsake me. Help me for I am weak and you are strong! I am waiting for the wonders and miracles you have got in store for me this year, for I know they are far beyond what I have imagined.

Yours truly,

Oreoluwa Esther