How do I feel? Honestly, not too good. My heart is broken into a million pieces. God I am just tired of this! Why do I have to go through this? At this point, I cannot hide it anymore. I am tired of being so strong outside when inside, I am bleeding. My world seems to be crashing down around me; I don’t think I can hold it in any longer.
I know that in life, there would be ups and downs but this is getting too much, for me to handle. When I thought things were finally getting better, it all just escalated again. I thought this season of life was almost over, but it just looks like I am back to zero.
Sometimes, I wish I had the right answer for all this questions bombarding me and I just wish I knew that this was coming, so that I could prepare myself more and be strong, save more money, say the right things and listen more, but it all happened so quickly.
Everywhere I turn to and every person I meet, they all seem to be getting things right. They have a good job, good house, amazing friends and family. They are so in love, their self-esteem is high, they don’t talk themselves down but for me it is the opposite. I try to put on a façade so that no one would know how hurt I am and how badly I am broken.
But here I am, staring at my laptop thinking to myself I cannot do this again. I cannot pretend. Jesus, I am so hurt and heartbroken, could you make me understand this situation I am going through? Explain how it fits into your master plan and how it would help me grow, because I am not sure I can overcome this pain. Why do other people I know have life so easy and mine is so hard?
For several months now, I have been going through struggle after struggle; disappointment after disappointment, pain after pain and nothing seems to be improving. I spoke to my younger brother some days ago and said to him that this season has been the longest I have been in and it hasn’t been an easy one.
Jesus, I need You badly. I need You right here, right now to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I need You to wrap your arms around me and tell me that it is okay not to be strong that You are still loved. I need Your re-assurance that You are walking with me in this journey. I feel like I am losing my life, I need Your love to never let me go and bring me back to life. I need You to speak to me, I am longing for Your voice, and Your touch, Your kiss, Your breath, and I need You to tell me that it is going to be okay.
I know that a new product cannot be released without testing. This is my testing period. From the outside looking in, I thought I was ready to be released, but You look from the inside out and You know that there are some things that need to be fixed before being released in order for You to test if there would be a malfunction. You are working on me.
I trust the God that owns the stars in the sky, the one that tells the sun to rise and go down and the one who owns the fishes in the sea has a great plan for me and even though I cannot see it now, this test is working in my favour. I release myself to you to break me down, I know it is going to involve some yelling, crying and screaming to discover my weakness and malfunction so you can restore me, I have been trying to hold it together now and I have realised that it isn’t helping you to do your work, so I am releasing myself and telling you to have your way in me…. I give myself to you, help me O Lord.
This blog is for everyone going through a difficult phase, just know that God is working in and through you, you just need to turn yourself in and let me have his way xx